Trigger warning: This article contains details about child sexual abuse which may be triggering to survivors.
It took me nearly four years of research to understand the gravity of the incidents that had unfolded over eight years.
Being the youngest in the family, I was not only loved and pampered but was also taken advantage of by a close relative. Unaware of what was happening, I was forced into activities that a child should have never been exposed to. I was abused and it damaged me in every way.
My pleas went unheard and I was scared. I was told to not tell anyone else this “secret of ours”.
I knew the pain I would have to undergo each time my abuser approached me. Having endured it over a period of time, everything became mechanical. I forgot the fact that something had to be done about it as I sat there questioning myself and my worth.
I was tired, ashamed and had lost my self-confidence.
I started distancing myself from my abuser once I understood what was happening to me. I finally opened up about this to my parents. They cried and apologised for not being there for me. I had their support.
I remember the day I stood up to him. He told me, “Kar de meri khushi ke liye (Do it for my happiness)”. I had heard the line way too many times and could no longer stand it and said, “No!”
I saw clearly then that it was not an older relative standing in front of me, but a rapist.
It took me a long time to say no. But when I did, it was one of the most liberating moments of my life. ‘No’ is a powerful word, it takes strength and courage.
The entire experience itself is painful, hurtful and traumatising. But the moment you understand that you are not at fault, that there is no need for you to be ashamed, is when the healing begins – at least that was the starting point of my journey.
I wanted to become the voice I was searching for while doing personal research so that others would know that they are not alone. And today, I am a child sexual abuse activist. It has not been an easy road, but I am proud of where I stand now.
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I freed myself from my abuser the day I decided to speak up. Having faced a rough childhood, I decided to fight for others who also share realities like mine.
As an activist, I get to talk to a lot of people. And every time I talk to a survivor, we form a mutual understanding about our struggles. We let each other know that we aren’t alone. This is really important because the life trajectory we happen to have leaves us alienated and secluded in many ways. And by opening up on various platforms, it helps people share their stories as well, or at least feel that it is okay to do so. And that is an empowering feeling.
Photo: Lokesh Pawar
I have had so many people share their stories after listening to mine.
One memorable instance was when I had gone to my old school. I shared my experience on stage. When I reached home, I got a DM from a girl who told me about how she was abused by her sister. She was on the verge of ending her life. However, by listening to my story, she realised that she ought to stand up for herself. She finally opened up about it to her parents and received the required help.
She is a good friend today.
Also read: I Am Tired of Being the ‘Man’ the Society Wants Me to Be
My goal now is to be there the best I can for other survivors, and to make space for representation for male sexual abuse survivors. One in six men is likely to be abused while they are children. Despite this prevalence, there aren’t many who speak about it. We must do our best of rid society of the notion that speaking about abuse is taboo. It is for this very reason that male child sexual abuse and male sexual abuse needs to be addressed at a societal level. For a child to go through such abuse at a young age means trauma accompanies them their whole lives.
But we live in denial and ignorance. And one of the main reasons for this is the societal expectations that men are bound by. Men hide away their pain because the world wants us to remain silent. And that is not what I want for the people I am fighting for.
It is crucial to not gender abuse, violence and cases of rape.
Lokesh Pawar is 23-year-old writer, a content creator and a sexual abuse survivor and activist. His mission to create awareness about Male Sexual Abuse is his top priority and he has spoken to thousands of survivors to help them in healing from their trauma. Lokesh was recently awarded with the REX Karmaveer Global Youth Fellowship & Karmaveer Chakra Awards 2020-2021 by United Nations and iCongo. He also became an Advocate in 2020 for Unicef India and Leher India’s CSA campaign called, ‘The Minor Project’. Pawar hopes that he doesn’t have to talk about this for long because he wishes for a world where kids are safe and unharmed. You can find him on Instagram @lokeshpawarr and on Twitter @Lokeshpawarrr
All photos have been provided by the author