Being an ambivert is perhaps living an extrovert’s life that seems abloom
and the life of an introvert who people think is living in gloom.
An ambivert’s anxiety is when people get hold of the wrong end of the stick
and consider your ambivalence to be your arrogance.
It is when you want to go overboard about something
yet you feel apathetic and impassive at the same time,
only because you don’t want to mess anything up.
It is when you are on stage, bold and confident,
and suddenly you realise you have the eyes of the audience on you
and mentally, you totter because you feel you will topple and tumble.
But neither do you stumble, nor do you mumble.
You see, being an ambivert, you’ve got it in you. You know how to balance.
You enter the party and you are perfectly dolled up.
Somebody mingles and engages you in a small talk
and you are trying to go with the flow.
Suddenly, you experience an attack of collywobbles.
You become agitated and apprehensive.
And before you know, you are a bundle of nerves.
Your clustered mind is cluttered with abounding thoughts.
Your self conscious part yells:
“Did I just seem like a blithering idiot?”
“Do I look fat in this attire?”
You are on your toes, silently screaming and ranting:
“Why is this crowd so loud?”
“What if this chandelier falls?”
“Why are people clicking so many photographs?”
Your vigilant part creeps in with self-doubt:
“What if the waiter drops that glass on me?”
“Did I switch the geyser off while leaving home?”
“Did I lock the door properly?”
You pull yourself together and throw yourself back into the conversation.
You see, being an ambivert, you’ve got it in you. You know how to balance.
When somebody hurts you,
there is emotional turmoil and mental mayhem.
You want to make no secret of it and rant and rave,
but at the same time you are reticent and reserved
and you end up becoming amenable and vulnerable
when you are not even answerable.
The days when you don’t want to leave the comfort and content of your cocoon
might as well be the days you are afraid of your own shadow.
You try your best to stay sane when your head and heart is wrestling,
but you realise you are being trampled upon by your own thoughts and feelings.
You see, being an ambivert, it’s okay if you aren’t able to maintain the balance.
You are an all hail-fellow-well-met person,
but when somebody ruffles your feathers,
you are left in a fit of pique.
You are at a gathering,
and the interactions begin to drain your energy and you zone out.
You overthink and overanalyse before wanting to do anything and everything
under the sky but then often, your confidence is on a roller coaster.
You are consistently and persistently worried about everything,
and you make an unnecessary conscious effort to not let anything go wrong.
You take your circle out for lunch,
and the moment you look at the vast variety in the menu,
you get jitters and you imagine everybody’s titters. It wears you out.
You are out swimming on a bright and cheerful day,
and you suddenly feel you are going to drown,
not just in the pool but in life and you have a hammering headache.
You are in the middle of a novel,
and you hold your breath because you know the falling action will rip the reality out of you,
and now you need a week’s downtime simply because it’s too much for you to take in.
You look at your accolades,
and a random feeling of emptiness engulfs you,
and you feel everything around you is bogus and a sham.
You see, being an ambivert, it’s okay if you aren’t able to maintain the balance.
You are an outgoing person,
but the smallest of an ordeal causes distress,
your heart starts pounding and you feel numb.
You enjoy meeting people,
but the moment you become the centre of attention,
your restlessness forces you to walk out of the spotlight.
You might find visiting new places fun but you’d rather prefer your own space.
You like hanging out with people, but you love keeping to yourself.
You bite the bullet and try to fight your non-confrontational self,
but your constantly running inner monologue is always at guard.
There are times when you’ve got the strength to cope with everything,
and then suddenly you know something is amiss,
when uncertainty drags you into anxiety’s abyss.
After every enervating exhaustion,
you decide to turn over a new leaf,
because breakdowns can be baffling–
but you don’t let them break you.
Even when there’s an out of nowhere bottomless pit in your stomach,
a knot in your throat, a vague void and an overflow of emotions,
you envision a stronger version of yourself and carry on.
You see, being an ambivert, you’ve got it in you. You know how to balance.
We all rove and swerve between darkness and light.
Every cloud may have a silver lining, but the opposite of calm is not wrong.
Maryam Fatima is a 20-year-old student based in Hyderabad. She tweets @Maryam0205.
Featured image credit: Pariplab Chakraborty