All in My Head, I am Told

Waves of panic and fear,
Crash over my being.
I feel like I am silently drowning,
‘But you will get over it’, I am told.

When it creeps up on me silently,
I feel like I cannot breathe.
Everything melts around me,
‘But it’s just a phase’, I am told.

Shaking from head to toe,
I cannot stop crying.
I don’t even know why,
‘But you will be fine’, I am told.

I am screaming for help,
No one seems to hear.
It feels all hopeless and scary,
‘But you are just sad’, I am told.

It feels like everything is falling apart,
And I am the reason for it.
Everyone is waiting for me to disappear,
‘But you are imagining things’, I am told.

I am living each day,
Like I am dead inside.
It all seems like a waste of time,
‘But it happens with everyone’, I am told.

I want to kill myself,
Will that make it all go away?
It will make the world a better place,
‘But stop vying for attention’, I am told.

I write because I cannot say it,
I am scared to open up.
It feels like my soul is flailing,
‘But you don’t want to snap out of it’, I am told.

I lock myself up for hours,
The cold floor stings against my skin.
My soul has given up,
‘But don’t think so much’, I am told.

The little voices in my head are screaming,
I think I am not even remotely enough.
I don’t deserve to smile,
‘But just stop worrying’, I am told.

I cannot work I cannot eat,
Sleeping feels like a distant dream.
The fatigue of it all is gnawing at me,
‘But it is the stress talking’, I am told.

They say anxiety disorder is not a real thing,
‘It is not like you have a fracture or sprain’.
‘Stop pretending like you are sick’.

But ‘I am here for you’, I am never told.

Akansha Rukhaiyar is a 22-year old law student from New Delhi, India. Having been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, she is constantly making an effort to spread awareness about mental health among friends, family and strangers.

Featured image credit: Pariplab Chakraborty