My Stigmatised Sexual Fantasies

“You have an unusually high sex drive for a woman,” he casually said, as we lay in bed together. I didn’t know how to respond to it then. As someone who has engaged in BDSM periodically, I still don’t know what to say.

Men saying I was “too much into sex” made me feel like I was crossing a line that defined the exact amount of sexual needs a woman is allowed to have – a pre-set bar. Sexual preferences and fantasies are a very personal and intimate experience. Everyone has different kinks, but mine have always made me a little conscious.

I have seen my kinks frighten people, which is why – after a point – I just stopped sharing. The stigma around BDSM led to my feeling guilty of what I liked in bed. I don’t even know if crossing a certain line would make me a “slut” or seen as “too easy”.

While growing up, I thought my BDSM fantasies were only limited to Fifty Shades of Grey. It was only when I grew a little older, I realised they were a part of me. But they didn’t define who I am.

BDSM is a sexual preference that involves – bondage, domination, submission, discipline as well as sadomasochism.

BDSM involves one partner being degraded, no?’

‘Domination is all about treating your submissive like a dog.’

‘Only victims of abuse like BDSM.’

These are a few out of many things I have heard.

BDSM, like any other sexual fantasy, has complete consent at its core. So both partners gain equal pleasure from the practice of being a dominant and a submissive. BDSM does not “appeal to just victims of abuse”. According to The Swaddle, “Trauma is not a “catalyst for a desire to engage in BDSM”.

I never found my kinks being portrayed authentically in popular media. Whatever there was, was always hypersexualised and stereotypical. Even in the Fifty Shades trilogy, Christian Grey started out as an obsessive millionaire who had a need to control everything. In Sherlock, Irene Adler’s obsession with Sherlock and many other mainstream media examples shows that people into BDSM are obsessed and it becomes their identity instead of being a part of their lives.


Also read: Fantasies of Forced Sex Are Common But Do They Enable Rape Culture?


Are kinks just for men? Are only men allowed to fantasise about domination and submission? Just because BDSM involves domination, is it a ‘men only fantasy’?

I have pondered long over these questions and they have never been fully answered – and I don’t know who to ask.

As Psychology Today found, “64.6% of women reported fantasies about being dominated sexually and 46.7% of women reported fantasies about dominating someone sexually. Overall, we can probably conclude that a substantial minority of women and men do fantasise about or engage in BDSM.”

Sexuality is a beautiful thing. I have always believed that it should be explored not contained. Personal preferences should be respected. For me, the most important thing in bed is consent. There should also be no judgement.

I have begun to realise it isn’t the idea of vanilla sex that pleases me. I am attracted to a person, and if it doesn’t have to be BDSM, I’d rather be friends with them than waste my sexual energy over things I do not want.

I do not have any shame in the kinks I pursue, yet there is shame attached to speaking about them to people. If I tell people about my fantasies, other than a few accepting close friends, they often think I am crazy.

I have met people who are scared of BDSM, and all their knowledge comes from porn and not experience. The porn industry has irrationally distorted BDSM. The act has constantly been manipulated to the extreme where it seems scarier than pleasurable.

In my opinion, the stigma around the fantasy is irrational, but it is also a societal notion, which is where my fear lies. It isn’t like I don’t have emotional triggers, I do. I am a very emotional person who is almost always smiling. I am someone who likes to bond and vibe with people before I decide to sleep with them.

My kinks are a part of me – they are not me. While sexual fantasies are personal, I’d like mine to be talked about more and normalised instead of stigmatised.

Sanskriti Falor is a journalism student at Asian College of Journalism.

Featured image credit: Espressolia/Pixabay