Growing up around tall boys my age with deep voices from the start, I found it difficult to feel good about myself since I was short and skinny. On top of that, I was more interested in playing indoor with girls rather than sweating it out with boys – for which I used to get a lot of harsh remarks.
“Have you ever seen a boy play with a Barbie?”, they’d say. “Why would a boy want to play with dolls when he is supposed to play with guns and superheroes?”
This is how we have been taught to think. These are the norms that have been deeply inculcated within us. All these ‘values’ stem from centuries of patriarchy which have been dictating the way we should live our lives. Apart from undermining women and lending a false sense of superiority to men, patriarchy also ordains that men should be ‘masculine’ and women should be ‘feminine’ – something which the world has been conditioned and cultured to believe, follow and mechanically accept. Hence, girls are ‘supposed to be’ slim and beautiful, and boys are ‘supposed to be’ athletic and stoic.
Also read: Why We Need to Talk to Men
While we have come a long way in fighting gender inequality, we need to recognise that not only women and girls, but men and boys also face the pressure of fitting into gender binaries.
Today, when fictional characters such as Wonder Woman and Katniss Everdeen are breaking stereotypes and emerging as powerful role models for girls, a lot of boys still feel that strength and toughness are the male character traits which are most valued by society. Many feel the pressure to be physically strong and to play sports.
In my opinion, peer groups and role models play a crucial role in promoting this kind of behaviour. A lot of boys look up to celebrities and unfortunately, the majority of Bollywood films portray heteronormative characters – especially men – who often indulge in violent activities on screen and normalise such behaviour.
Also read: Feminism: The Vilifying of a Collective Dream
Schools, too, play a big part in furthering such prejudices. Institutions continue to be a place where you get ostracised and bullied for ‘not behaving like your gender’. Some boys who identify as male then become bullies, and those who don’t are ridiculed and tortured in more ways than one. It is believed that boys who hang out with girls, have a girly voice, are physically weak, do well in studies, don’t play sports or take part in what are called ‘girly’ activities – are all an aberration.
As a result, such kids start questioning themselves and subsequently internalise that they aren’t ‘normal’ or that they are not supposed to be this way. It leads to anxiety, depression and other mental health problems. Some even start trying to play sports, to be strong, or to only be friends with boys – and do all sorts of things in order to fit in.
But it is tiresome and exhausting to keep conforming to societal standards.
At a TEDWoman conference, TV actor Justin Baldoni spoke about his struggles with traditional masculinity. He said:
“As a boy, all I wanted was to be accepted and liked by the other boys. But that acceptance meant that I had to acquire a disgusted view of the feminine. And since we were told that feminine is the opposite of masculine, I either had to reject embodying any of these qualities, or face rejection myself”.
The fact that boys are supposed to ‘be strong’ and ‘hide their feelings’ is extremely problematic. But since it is the norm, a lot of boys grow up hiding their feelings, even with their close friends. All these pent up feelings and frustration give birth to depression, isolation, unhealthy relationships, violence and in some cases, even suicide.
Boys all over the world are trapped in this suffocating cage of ‘masculinity’ where manhood is measured by strength and suppressing one’s feelings is equated with strength; where vulnerability is looked down upon; where expressing one’s true self is not allowed; where self-reflection is not considered important; where they have to prove their ‘manliness’ or they have no worth.
We need to challenge the traditional idea of masculinity and encourage reflection and questioning. It is important to help boys come out of this toxic cage and let them know that they can be whoever they want to be, that it is okay to be vulnerable and to open up.
And that no one can stop them from expressing themselves.
Rishi Pinjani will be an 11th grader once his boards get over. He bakes a lot and loves to debate which he can do any time of the day.