Satire | What Was I Thinking? Of Course Rihanna Is a ‘Gandhi’, Greta a ‘Drop-Out Celeb’

Yesterday, social media witnessed hyperactivity with international women celebrities tweeting about the farmer protests and the internet shutdown by the Indian government. With this piece, my objective is to enlighten and educate you about the international conspiracy underway – which is more than obvious as you will be made to see and be convinced of by the time you finish reading this.

These women may seem to be innocent artists, celebrities and activists, but they actually have sinister designs to undermine Indian democracy. Well, it is true that as of now we do not know who is funding them. But isn’t it obvious by the way they leave half-asked questions in the air that they are adding fuel to fire? For instance, do you not find Rihanna’s sudden interest in farmers surprising when she asks, “Why aren’t we talking about this?” I mean, what business is it of hers unless she has been paid off by these SUV-owning, Canada-connected farmers? It is not as if she is an expert on farmer issues like the true ‘Bharat ki beti‘ Kangana Ranaut, who has such great insight into the subject.

In fact, I am so indebted to a ruling party spokesman for opening my eyes and solving the mystery. By repeatedly addressing her as Rihanna “Gandhi”, he actually very cleverly exposed Rihanna’s Gandhi connection. Maybe she is some far-flung relative of the Gandhis is what he was incessantly trying to tell us amidst the cacophony of the debate hour. He even went on to suggest that she is actually a more promising prime ministerial candidate for the opposition than Rahul Gandhi. I am sure this is such a brilliant suggestion that the opposition should be indebted to the spokesman – Rihanna with her obvious “Gandhi” ties and fan-following could actually turn out to be that long-awaited ray of hope for the dwindling Congress.

And then it was climate activist Greta Thunberg’s turn. Had it not been for some very reliable mainstream media channels and platforms “exposing” her, she would have beguiled the unsuspecting Indian into just blindly believing her sinister motives of breaking India under the charade of her activism. I think she has completely lost her credibility. Well, I actually never thought much of her (she is a school drop-out, you see, and besides some anti-Trump statements and tweets she has precious little to contribute to the climate crisis).

Well, that’s not entirely true; I actually used to think highly of her, a teenage girl worried about the environment and climate when she could be partying and chilling. I have even heard some of her YouTube talks and was greatly inspired.

But the extremely well-researched and thoroughly convincing pieces on certain digital platforms when I googled Greta Thunberg and was hit back by “exposed” and “farmer-protest conspiracy” were so, so undoubtedly eye-opening. Now though these platforms are not sure who is sponsoring these women to spread unrest, they are absolutely sure that someone is and I absolutely believe them. Or else how could Thunberg be concerned about farmers, the agrarian crisis in India and human rights – she is only someone who enjoys celebrity status, right? And look at her provocative tweet trying to break India and malign the government. She says something like: “We stand in solidarity with the farmers.”

So anti-national and so dangerous, no? It immediately brought out the dormant desh ‘bhakt‘ in me.

What we don’t seem to realise is that this tweet of Greta’s could actually break the nation. The media is still doing its research on the Gandhi connection but I am sure before long they will have unearthed it. Or maybe she has been offered free property in Ludhiana or Jalandhar by the rich farmers. Also, there was her surreptitious act of deleting the document she shared on Twitter. Oh, she is hand in glove with some people who are using her as a front, for the document clearly urges people to have peaceful protests in different parts of the world as a mark of solidarity with farmers of India.

That can be so very dangerous to the image of India and the government. Whoever heard of peaceful protests? We all know how lethal and absolutely debilitating they can be, right? What irreversible damage they can cause to the very idea of democracy. In case you didn’t know let me explain: democracy is all about dialogue, debate and dissent and all three are being taken care of by the government and the mainstream media.

I will tell you how. The government has engaged in 11 rounds of dialogues with the farmers till now, but the stubborn farmers won’t listen since they are not well-versed in the farm laws. And the mainstream media is taking care of debate and dissent in its ‘news hour’ and ‘debate hour’, or whatever it is they call it. True, the dissenters are mostly on mute, but it is more than obvious that they are dissenting. So what do you need peaceful protests for? Clearly Greta needs to do her homework and understand democracy all over again.

And Mia Khalifa, what business does an adult actor have tweeting about farmer protests? Who is she anyway? And why should a porn star even have an opinion? More importantly, can a porn star have an opinion about something this serious? She would have to spend so much time understanding the farm laws and figuring out and confirming personally through reliable sources that the fortification on Ghazipur border is actually a barricade and that the internet truly has been shut down and that a protest has been happening for the past 70 days when clearly she has far more interesting things to do. It’s not as if she has a deep understanding and expertise on the subject – like some of our Bollywood celebrities and cricketers, who have tweeted responsibly, showing their solidarity with the government after spending a good part of the last 70 days engaging with economists and activists, going on the ground and interacting with the farmers and then deciding that the government knows better and has the farmers’ best interests at heart.

And finally, that very annoying Malala Yousafzai. Well, if anything, she is an overrated activist. But what else can be expected of her. I do not want to waste any words on her. She for sure is part of the ‘tukde-tukde gang’.

Now, I will share my theories with you.

1. These women, because they are not as well-known as some of our Bollywood celebrities and Indian cricketers, are all trying to get their 15 seconds of fame by tweeting and using sensational hashtags.

2. They are being paid to disrupt and break this country. Of course, it is not that simple. It is a working theory so far but the mainstream media is at it and will soon prove it.

And do you happen to notice something? You’re very clever, aren’t you?

3. They are all women. This is what happens when women are allowed to have an opinion and speak their mind without the state’s benevolent finger guiding them. They don’t respect boundaries, they think the world is one community. They generalise oppression as patriarchal and state-sponsored. I tell you, women in any case are problematic and entitled women even more so. Because you see, women are simply not capable of using their logic and being objective. They are such emotional beings.

So there. I have given you my theories – the first two of which are extremely well-founded based on information I extrapolated from following our very dependable and transparent mainstream media.

As for the last one, I know how women think. You see, I am an entitled woman myself.

Dr. Shyaonti Talwar is an academician, researcher and a writer whose areas of interest include art, culture, lifestyle, social inequality, literature, mythology and gender.