How Much Longer?

The lockdown didn’t turn out to be the way I thought. It came about at a time when I really needed a break from everything – college, assignments and people. A few days off would just do me good, the introvert in me thought.

The first few days were bliss. The days just went by and then it dawned on me – how long am I going to be stuck at home? I don’t seem to be enjoying this as much as before. Time is what I have on my hands, but I feel so unmotivated and I just can’t seem to do anything.

I read Instagram posts which say that this lockdown is not a productivity contest and it’s okay if you can’t do anything. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Reading such posts made me feel a little better about my current situation.

But how long will I just remain idle?

I want to do something, I really do. Maybe take an online course, write something on my blog or just draw. I wake up in the morning and decide to actually do something, but end up not doing it. This bothers me so much, especially when I sit alone at night.

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My day gets over fast because I sleep through most of it and I have a nice family that makes for good company. At night, I feel so lonely and I start overthinking. I think so much that I get a headache and find it difficult to sleep. I start questioning my self-worth, whether I will be able to achieve anything in life or do well. It just builds on from this point and I feel helpless. I’ve always wished if I could vent by crying, but I can’t.

For how long will I have to go through this?

“This too shall pass.”

“Go with the flow.”

I would like to add that I do find happiness in little things. The place where I live is already very isolated and my only neighbours never leave their house. So, I enjoy walking outside my house, looking at the sky, birds and trees. In their company, I’m genuinely happy.

If not anything, YouTube videos cheer me up. I tried a few new recipes and plated it just like the chef did. Some were successful, some were not, but this lessened my sadness a bit. I keep in touch with friends, video call them, crack lame jokes and I’m happy at that time.

I’ve come to realise that even for an introvert, it’s important to go out. Though I do treasure my time alone, yet I still liked just being out there, visible or invisible. I now value the time I’ve spent with others. Their company kept me sane and going.

I often think of many things that bother me nowadays. Will I get to meet my friends soon? Will I be able to complete my college degree? Will I lead a normal life again? I really don’t know.

And for how much longer?

I guess no one has an answer.

Sanjana Thomas is a thoughtful and sensitive 20-year-old Bangalorean with a love for cinema.

Featured image credit: Sasha Freemind/Unsplash