An overburdened mother, a distracted teenager or a girl who may be getting married against her wish – they are often expected to agree to everything.
But sometimes it’s okay to say no without feeling guilty.
We all experience life in different ways, but there are certain things which we may be familiar with but don’t usually talk about. One such thing is a never ending urge to say yes always and that is perhaps because we fear rejection, the fear of being left out and/or the fear of being judged.
The fear is common amongst women who are expected to run a household.
As a child, have you ever heard your mother say no to any of your hopes or desires? In a middle-class family, even if it is the end of the month, your father may or may not relent but a mother would always find a way to fulfil that last minute wish of yours. That is merrily because a mother usually can never say no – not only to her kids but to others too.
It is always the woman of the house who will do everything in her might to hold the family together and save it from sinking.
It is 6:30 am. She is the first to get up to quickly get the kids ready and prepare their lunch boxes for school before making breakfast. It’s 8:30 am and she needs to pack a tiffin for her husband and get his things ready for office. After this, she needs to cook food, wash clothes and utensils, keep the house spick and clean and take care of her in-laws.
Then, in the afternoon, the children are back and need some fussing about.
If some guests come in the evening, she has to attend and take care of them as well. Then comes the night. She has to cook and serve and then she is the last to go to bed.
And amidst all of this, she can’t say no.
For a working woman, the struggle is two-fold and perhaps a life more messed up than this.
It is because of this that women past in thirties and forties who have children, family and careers, are often overburdened and suffer from depression, stress and other medical problems in the long run. They are always struggling to meet the wishes and expectations of their kids and family while managing their careers on the side.
Hence, it is important for women to take a pause, relax and say no some times. They should take good care of themselves and enjoy me time. Our mothers need to realise that their happiness is important.
Teenagers
Teenagers, too, suffer from the same problem.
They are overburdened with the expectations of their parents, friends, relatives and the society. Because of this they come across as a confused lot as they can neither say no to their parents, who have a host of expectations from them, nor to their friends because obviously they don’t want to look uncool and face unwanted judgements.
But it is important for them to pull the brakes at times, thanks to their hormonal rush, and say a polite no without fearing rejection or criticism.
Also read: Women Against CAA, NRC: Breaking the Patriarchy From Within
It’s high time that teenagers are groomed early on that it is absolutely okay if they sometimes decline a party invitation, or disagree wearing a particular type of dress or doing something just because their friends are into it. They must know that they won’t come out as uncool if they say no. That it’s okay to not give in to the peer-pressure.
Also, it’s necessary for them to talk to their parents and discuss their goals and aspirations, by overcoming the fear of being judged.
Parents, too, should be careful while talking to their kids.
As for the relatives, neighbours and the society at large, there is obviously nothing that one can do to satisfy them, (you know why!) so it’s better to just shrug off and move on.
Not easy to say ‘no’
But this art of saying no, is not that easy always, especially when all the eyes are on you.
This is usually the case with girls like Maya (name changed), who is a respected employee in a firm and earns well but unfortunately her family, fixed her marriage, much against her will. The voices and aspirations of such girls often go unheard or are either suppressed. There are a number of reasons why they are unable to say no even if they desperately want to say so.
The first and foremost reason is the society. A girl may reach new heights in her life but the quintessential query ‘Shaadi kab kaar rhi ho’, never seems to die until she actually ties the knot. This is specially the case in middle class families and the rural setting.
The parents start saving money for their daughter’s wedding from the day she is born. And then of course there are the usual relatives and neighbours who always seem to pressurise your parents, as if they are the most worried for seeing you getting married but actually can’t wait to eat at your wedding and bitch behind your back.
It is because of these reasons that it becomes difficult for girls like Maya, to not adhere to the hopes and expectations of her parents and in not doing so, thousands of girls are forced to sacrifice their own dreams.
But if the society wants its women, irrespective of their social and economic background, to achieve their goals and give wings to their dreams, they will have to take a stand. They (including the parents) will have to understand that marriage is not the ultimate thing in life.
The women, too, need to reject society’s irrational expectations and pressures.
Truth be told. We do find ourselves in a state of dilemma – that if we refuse or say no, we’d be left out of the social circuit or might fall flat on our expectations and that of our parents, relatives and friends.
But we need to take a break, we need to pause, relax and learn this art of refusing while realising that we will not be judged even if we say NO.
Chitrali Ghatak is a final-year student at Delhi School Journalism, Delhi University
Featured image credit: Pariplab Chakraborty