The Hefty Price of Motherhood

“You haven’t completed it yet? I know people who have wrapped it up perfectly during their pregnancy.”

“Maybe you should put in more effort!”

“Resigning from the job was such a mistake! It would be best if you had managed to hold on.”

For the umpteenth time, this conversation had surfaced. I have heard it a zillion times before and couldn’t help being amazed at my sister’s ability to sit patiently through it all. The disappointed monologues, the motivational talks, the endless toolkit to balance motherhood and career – she had it served on platters too often, and it all came with the same subtle and assured taste of blame and shame.

Every time my sister was assessed, questioned about her inability over not having completed her PhD till now, for having had to resign from the hard-fought job of an assistant professor and her ‘motherly instincts’ to be with her toddler – I had felt that infuriating urge to rip apart the veil that covers societal pressures, lack of sensitive policies, absence of support systems, the opportunity cost and to top it all, the weight of mortgaged dreams that pulls women down.

Perhaps the difficulty of joining the workforce based on the career chosen and the luxury of a support system that takes a backseat when ailing parents need care is often overlooked when we come to quick judgmental conclusions about women. The tags of “capability”, “strength”, “endurance”, and “perfection” are often associated with only those who seem to have it the way society perceives an ideal woman – a multitasker with a job.

My sister has always been a fighter. Born in a middle-class family in Kerala, as the elder daughter, she had to endure her first stint of societal judgments when my parents backed her decision not to write the coveted medical/engineering exam and supported her to pursue her heart’s calling – sociology. We had studied in one of the best schools in the city, and the expenses were met with a firm determination to provide us with the best quality education.

So, the sarcasm that came with choosing to differ never seemed to let go of her – even when she bagged the university first rank for her degree or fought her way up to Jawaharlal Nehru University for a PhD. I have never seen her express an explicit response to any criticism that did come her way; she had always waged her wars alone till the lacunae left behind by hollow supporting motherhood policies stabbed her. Despite having the attitude, supporting partner and parents who always stood by her decisions, many things started to intertwine and eventually developed into a complex narrative that distanced her from the reality she wanted to unravel.

Also read: Are Workplaces Actually Following the Maternity Leave Policy?

Childbirth and motherhood have within them the beauty of the truest emotions of sheer love and scars of snatched away desires that are all coiled into an inseparable union. Women are often tugged by the muffled-up echoes of passion and their conditioned pricking conscience which judges them for prioritising career over their child. The art of balancing is often subjected to hurtful blows of the unnecessary intervention of the people around. The psychological trauma of self-judgement that oozes out the last traces of vitality and hope leaves many women vulnerable to the emotional tirade.

The troubling questions surrounding new mothers, the lack of a robust network of child-care support systems and policies that help women join back the workforce in India – all point towards the needs to develop a mindful approach to decode the web of ‘motherhood penalty’. Maybe if every office/organisation is sensitive to weave in its policies a supporting clause or at least assure daycare at its premises, it would definitely instil confidence in joining the workforce again. It scares me that 73% of new mothers leave the workforce in India, and only 27% return.

Should donning a wonderful role as a mother bare such a hefty price?

Anupama Niroop is an architect (urban planner) who is currently pursuing her PhD from IIT Kharargpur. She dwells in the cobwebs of thought and wander through the intricacies that follow. You can find her on Instagram @anupama_niroop.

Featured image credit: Foundry Co/Pixabay