To forgive you for dying is the toughest thing I ever did. And it was the only thing, if any, that could set me free.
I was as idealistic and carefree as only a 14-year old could be when in a car with a running engine. But in a matter of a few minutes, my world came to a screeching halt with the death of my father. Over the last 14 years I’ve dealt with the pain of his death in various ways — I’ve cried, yelled, screamed, laughed, fought and silenced myself. I’ve lost my path, found my track, existed in numbing nothingness and carried on doggedly.
As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to burn through our world, taking with it hopes, dreams, laughter and lives, personal losses that I’ve tucked in a corner of my mind have seeped back in.
Today, as someone who has seen death rather closely a few too many times, I’ve come to accept it for its inevitability and have created a mechanism to reconcile with this broken reality. The following is an account of how I embrace grief. I hope it will help anyone looking to find solace in this solitude.
Also read: Time of Death: Grief and Illusion
In the first few days after a loss, you will find yourself amidst a cacophony of crying. You will hate it. The tears, the questions, the conversations, the remembering, the screaming, the noise – it will have you clenching your wrists and grinding your teeth. It is natural to react this way. You will find yourself irritated, annoyed and still searching for some kind of support. In these moments, try not to evade the public displays of grief. Hold on to the hugs you’re receiving, if you can, and weep till your eyes run dry. Cry today, so you don’t bury it deep within for years altogether.
In a few weeks, you will find yourself talking more about the circumstances that led to the loss. You will speak with ‘random’ people, you’ll repeat the incidents almost mechanically. Over time, you will go over the beats of those moments with very little emotion. Don’t check yourself. Share. To accept the almost unbearable reality of this loss, it is imperative to listen to it, in your own words, over and over again.
When the pain subsides, you will be enraged. You will find reasons to be angry with the one you lost. You will remind yourself of unpleasant memories with them, you will look for faults in their behaviour, for habits you disliked, for choices you didn’t approve of and for reasons to hate someone you’ve loved so dearly. Allow yourself the privilege to resent them. For this isn’t hate, but your pain trying to find its ultimate outlet.
Hereafter, you will learn to accept the loss, the death, the hurt. Through moments of numbing silence and gut-wrenching pain, an endless flow of tears and some hysterical laughter later, you will accept death.
Also read: The Trouble With Comparisons in Grief
Please be aware that acceptance in no way will come once and for all and nor is this a step-by-step guide. For grief is a cyclical and ongoing journey, even for those of us with decades of experience. I’ve often found myself going back and forth between these emotions, sometimes for a day and sometimes for weeks altogether..
A loss so profound and a void so vast is impossible to truly ever fill. But oftentimes, we focus so much on the parts of us that die with the ones we love that we forget to tend to the parts of them that continue to live through us. I’ve learned to keep my loved ones alive through a repeated telling of their stories — both funny and profound, imitating the ways in which they walked, spoke and ate, by thinking of them in my highest and lowest times — wondering how they’d react to updates in our lives, sometimes behaving exactly how I imagine they would and in sparing a silent thought for them everyday.
Gratitude for them having once existed and a silent belief that you don’t ever truly lose the people you’ve loved helps make the emptiness liveable. Additionally, a support system of people connected through the same loss serves as a necessary coping mechanism before you can walk again.
Remanpreet Sandhu is a lawyer and is currently pursuing the Young India Fellowship. She lives in Ferozepur with her mother, and often beams with pride at the well-oiled telecommunication network she’s established to keep up with her friends across the country.