20 Minutes for Heartbreak

2:00 am
Now is my time to cry
Between 2:20
Assignment submission hangover around
Let’s do this!
Let’s get done with it.

2:01 am
Oh, I am crying
I don’t think I can stop
It’s too loud
I hold a cloth to cover my mouth.

2:05 am
I need music to calm me down
Heartbroken playlist for the heartbroken
Alliteration for my once again illiterate heart
Crushed to pieces, again.

2:07 am
The music hits another high
I wail once again
I know I will break into a cough
I forgot to change
From partially drenched clothes from the rain.

2:08 am
I forcefully jump out
D.e.c.i.s.i.o.n p.a.r.a.l.y.s.i.s
Quickly grab a tee and an undie
Hurry back! Bed calls now.

2:10 am
Ten more minutes
I am heaving, I am grieving
I am angry now
At myself, but more on him
I feel like abusing.

2:11 am
I really need to pee.

2:12 am
I have to pee.

2:13 am
I rush to the washroom
Not caring how red my demeanour is
Spree spree flash flash fast fast
I am not the best to cry publicly.

2:14 am
Run for the room
I reach the end, oh and it is so warm
Unlike the cold presence he left me in.

2:15 am
I shamelessly cuddle myself
This feeling of singledom once again
Set on me, I feel alive and dead at the same time
I can’t think no more, I can’t breathe without apprehension.

2:16 am
I hate relationships
I hate men
I hate the idea of being with them
I hate the idea of love
If it comes to hurt me so badly.

2:17 am
What happened to my music
What is playing right now
I don’t know
Why did the tears stop flowing
I just cried a portion of my bed out…drenched.

2:18 am
What happens tomorrow then?
How do I see him, how do I greet him?
Do I even acknowledge his presence?
I don’t want to see him.

2:19 am
I will find love again, won’t I?
Do I need love right now?
Fuck no.
Shit, only a minute left.

Alarm rings soon
I spin in my head
Somewhere between ANOVA and finding you
Placed in my head
Both of you
A slight smile
Why did I smile?
60 seconds
Is a small time
Or is it a long time
Deviating from you
Anomalies in us two
I can’t theorise
What where how why
But somehow, yes
Loving you was a life-changing thing
You helped me discover myself
Why am I being appreciative when I can straight up…

It’s 2:20 am
Back to grind mode.

Avnika Chhikara is a 23-year-old feminist, who adores purple sunsets and country music.

Featured image: Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash